In brief: what’s a divorce ring?

Kate Daly 0:00 Divorce rings aren't necessarily about the jewellery. They're more about identity, independence, and marking a new chapter. And humans have always used objects and rituals to mark big life changes. So what's interesting here is that people are actually creating their own rituals around separation and divorce. Welcome to the Divorce Podcast, where we explore relationships, divorce, separation, and parenting apart. This episode is part of our mini-series where we answer your questions, discuss current news events, and share practical bite-sized tips. I'm your host, Kate Daly, the relationship counsellor, divorce specialist and co-founder of Amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. In this in-brief episode, we're talking today about divorce rings. Are they a trend or is there something more meaningful behind this piece of jewelry? So what's the story? Well, I've been quoted in a BBC article about the rise of divorce rings. I've also been talking on the radio today about what they mean and whether they're a trend or not, or whether there's something a bit more long term. So what is a divorce ring? Well, it's usually either a ring people buy or it's the redesign of an old wedding or engagement ring, and it's meant to symbolize the end of the marriage. Sometimes it's that people want to take their jewellery and repurpose it totally. So you might actually, although we're calling them divorce rings, it might be a divorce necklace or a divorce earring set. So there's a whole bunch of different ways, but essentially what people are doing is taking the end of the marriage and creating a ritual or a symbol around it. And I think it's much deeper than it being just about a piece of jewelry. Divorce rings aren't necessarily about the jewellery, they're more about identity, independence, and marking a new chapter. And humans have always used objects and rituals to mark big life changes. So what's interesting here is that people are actually creating their own rituals around separation and divorce. And I think what this trend really signifies is that more people are prepared to talk about something that's deeply personal and that perhaps in the past has been a source of shame or stigma. But now things are changing and people are much more open and prepared to talk about what comes next. And I guess a ring can look like a really small thing, but after a divorce, it can carry real meaning. For some people, it marks the point at which they start to make decisions about themselves or for themselves again. And that's not about being bitter about your ex or wearing the ring on your middle finger as a symbol of kind of stuff you. It's about recognizing change and making a choice about what comes next. Now we all know that when a relationship ends, everything feels like it's up in the air. Your home, your money, your children, your identity, future plans, everything is affected. And a divorce ring can be one of the first visual outward signs that someone is making those decisions for themselves again, emotionally and financially. It means really that for some of us, we are actually back in control and signalling to the world that we're back in control. And that's super important. There has been lots of criticism, people saying, oh, it's just a flash in the pan, a one-off trend, or it's a bit indulgent spending money on yourself and on jewelry. But I get it, it can feel like that. But I think we should be less inclined to judge. I don't think people are doing it to be self-indulgent. I think people are doing it to recognize that one chapter has ended and a new chapter has started. And one of the things I kept coming back to when I was asked today on the radio was this idea that it's not about being bitter. You know, having an amicable divorce doesn't mean that you haven't felt the pain or the hurt. It doesn't mean that you've glossed over things or that, you know, you haven't taken this whole thing seriously. Having an amicable divorce is the difference between feeling genuinely amicable, which might take months or years, if ever, to come, and behaving in an amicable way. So sometimes those behaviors come first. And what I mean by that is sometimes we have to almost fake it till we make it in the world of amicable divorces. We might have to behave in a certain way that we don't necessarily feel deep in our hearts, but we know if we want our children to thrive after a divorce or separation, it's in their best interest that we behave in a certain way. And sometimes the ritual of behaving in that way over a period of time can help to move you on psychologically. So, yes, it can be really tricky, and yes, it can end very much with feelings of sadness and everything else, but that doesn't preclude you from having an amicable divorce. At amicable, we want to change how people navigate relationships, particularly when they're starting them or ending them. So whether that's getting together when you're cohabiting for the first time or prenups, or whether it's parenting after separation and big conversations that you need to have with your ex. The common thread here is that we try and do these with kindness, clarity, and less conflict. And if it helps to mark the end of a relationship and to put to bed that phase of your life and to start a new chapter and a divorce ring is a way of doing that, then I'm all for it. I don't want to judge everyone's divorce is different, but I do think there's an opportunity to actually make a symbol because ultimately the way that the process works now, we don't have that symbolism anymore in the divorce process. You'll just get an email at the end of an administrative process from the government to say that your divorce is finalized. And when that lands in your inbox alongside the email from school about sports day or end-of-term arrangements, or it gets mixed in with your work emails about deadlines and presentations and everything else, it can feel really anticlimactical. And you want to mark this end of a relationship. And just because the relationship has ended, it doesn't mean the relationship was bad. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. So marking the end of it doesn't mean you have to regret the relationship, and very often people don't, particularly if they've got children. So I think having a way of symbolizing the end, whether that's through a piece of jewelry or a ritual that you make or whatever it is, I think that can be really important in helping you process the change that you're going through and mark the transition from one relationship to the next. So, like I say, it's not really about the ring. This is about people finding a way to mark a change, to reclaim choice and to move forward with some clarity. And I think that's what the divorce rings are all about. Now, with my personal journey, I didn't repurpose my jewelry and I didn't create a divorce ring. What I did was to sell my ring because I moved into a house, I had to downsize like most people do. The house was in a terrible state. And so I used my ring to furnish my house and to do it up. So every time I looked at the newly painted walls or the curtains or the cushions, all of which I'd chosen for myself without any compromise because my kids were very little, it was a really lovely feeling. I knew that I'd repurpose that ring to make a home for me and the children moving forward. So that was another way of actually symbolizing the end and ritualizing the end of a relationship and the moving on to the next thing. So however you choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship, whether it's with divorce rings or whether it's with another piece of jewellery or another act, however you do it, it's really important just to take the time to breathe, to acknowledge what's come before, to acknowledge where you are and to look forward with some hope. I hope you've enjoyed this conversation about divorce rings. Check us out on socials where we talk more about this phenomenon. For separation and co-parenting support, you can visit amicable.co.uk where you can explore our resources or book a free consultation. You can find me on Insta and LinkedIn. You can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates and visiting thedivorsepodcast.com, or of course, you can find us on your favourite listening platforms. Now don't forget, we'd love to help further and we'd love to know any questions or ideas for new episodes. So please share those at hello at amicable.co.uk. One final reminder: you can join our subscription platform, which is Amicable Space, where you'll find our community forum, a safe place to ask anything as you go through separation, divorce, or co parenting. Members get access to our monthly QA webinars with Amicable Divorce Specialists, where you can ask questions in real time. The link to sign up is in the episode description. Thank you very much for listening, and I'll see you again soon.