Kate Daly 0:00
Co-parenting well isn't easy, and it's not easy when one of you has to travel for work, but it is about how you plan and communicate. And if you can get the planning and communication right, then being away for work doesn't have to be an issue, and it doesn't have to disrupt your co-parenting relationship. Welcome to The Divorce Podcast, where we explore relationships, divorce, separation, and parenting apart. This episode is part of our mini-series where we answer your questions, discuss current news and events, and share practical bite-sized tips. I'm your host, Kate Daly, a relationship counsellor, divorce specialist, and co-founder of amicable, the online legal service for separating couples. In this in-brief episode, we're talking about travelling for work after separation. Is your co-parent really your first port of call, or is there a better way to plan for work travel? Traveling to work after a separation when you've got kids can be quite tricky. And I guess this is a subject that doesn't often get talked about. There's kind of an assumption sometimes, isn't there, that we just pick up where we left off. So a relationship where one of you has travelled and the other one's been at home with the kids can quickly turn into a source of sort of angst and difficulty when you're co-parenting and you're no longer living in the same house. Maybe when you were together, a work trip meant, I don't know, a quick conversation at home. But now you're separated and you live in different places, it takes a lot more planning and it needs a different style of communication. And that shift takes some adjusting to. I think one of the important things is naming some of the changes that are going on. And when you only see your kids, or if you see your kids for less time than you used to, then some of those emotions that come up can be feeling very guilty or very sad that you're not maximizing the time that you have available to spend with your kids. But you know what? That's life. That's normal life. Sometimes we are forced to put work and things in front of the time we'd like to spend with our loved ones. So feeling guilty and worrying about this is perfectly normal. But also it's a chance to re-evaluate the way that you've worked in the past and also a chance to step back and think about the arrangements and what's going to suit your kids best if you are traveling. Nobody wants to feel like a less committed parent. And I totally get that. But the reality of life is sometimes work means we have to travel and we can't do or be the parent perhaps we want to be. Needing to travel for work doesn't mean you're a bad parent or a bad co-parent, but it does mean you need to plan slightly differently and it does require some flexibility. Now, the best way to tackle all of this is to do it at the beginning. And if travel is a regular part of your job, then writing the arrangements down and writing them into a parenting plan when you first separate and make the arrangements for your children can save a lot of arguments. So the first thing to note is rather than just assuming that your co-parent will pick up where they left off when you live together, don't make any of those assumptions, but have those conversations when you're thinking about how you're both going to spend time with the kids. It can be really helpful, particularly if you're the parent with the co-parent on the receiving end of somebody else's travel, is that you agree a notice period. Now, again, that's in an ideal world, and everybody will understand that sometimes work trips are sprung on us and there's nothing we can do about it. So having an ideal kind of notice period where you can give the other co-parent as much of a heads up as possible is great, but you can't die in a ditch for it because sometimes life doesn't work like that. It's good to have a what's normal, what usually will happen plan so that you've got that nailed down and where as far as possible you can, you stick to that. This is what happens. Again, just bearing in mind that it's not always possible to stick to what you've agreed and what's going to happen. So you've got to be flexible when you're thinking about this. So who do you normally ask? Is it the first port of call going to be your co-parent or are there other people that you can bring into the mix? Have that conversation and make a plan and agree it. Your co-parent isn't your default childcare. If you're due to have the children and a work trip falls on that time, then it's really your responsibility to make those alternative arrangements and not assume that your co-parent will automatically pick up the slack. That's one of the traps I see lots of parents getting into. Just the assumption that if you can't do something because it's work, the other parent will automatically pick up the slack. It's the same with if your kid is sick on a day that you are supposed to be responsible for them. You can't just assume that you've still got to go to work and your other parent will pick up the slack. You need to make arrangements for that. You need to ask the other parent if that's the what you've agreed, that they will always be your default. But if not, you are responsible for making the arrangements for your children on the days that you are due to have them. So if that means calling in sick for work or telling work that you've got childcare responsibilities, even though that's not the norm or what you've been doing in the past, that's kind of the new life that you're signing up to being a co-parent. And that's a conversation that's got to be negotiated at work as much as it's got to be negotiated at home. So it's tricky because I guess separation often changes how we feel about work and how we relate to work as well, and whether we do as much, whether we do less or more work. And it can be a struggle for the people around us to understand those changes as much as it is for us to navigate those changes ourselves. So again, being really open with the communication, talking about it with your boss or your work colleagues, making sure that they understand the situation you're in where you can be flexible and where you simply can't is super important. It's kind of that idea of permission to say yes to opportunities and permission to say no when the timing's all wrong. So it's making sure you've been open and as far as you can be straightforward with the people around you, and that you've got a network in place who can help out. So rather than just focusing on your ex, are there other people in your network who can help you? What about grandparents? What about aunts and uncles, friends and family? Can you share child care with another family? Because that gives you not just the option of sharing the cost, but it gives you multiple options with the other parents as well. So it might be paid options like a regular babysitter or a childminder, it could be holiday clubs or having two or three people in your network that you know you can reciprocate for if they are stuck, and that they will reciprocate for you if you are stuck. This makes such a massive difference. And it can be quite a kind of psychological shift as well, because sometimes we haven't been used to asking for help. We've been a fairly self-contained unit between the two of us, and all of a sudden it's not quite that simple anymore. And actually learning to feel comfortable with asking for help when you need it can be quite a big deal if you've not, if you're not used to it, if you're independent-minded, you're used to just having everything under control. So being aware that these things are different and are going to feel different is kind of part of this transition from parent to co-parent. You know, we talk about this all the time. There's a huge assumption that one day we wake up and we're co-parents and we just know what to do. But we kind of, we know that that's not right. And we know that there is an adjustment period. Part of that adjustment period is getting more comfortable with asking when you need something. So building a network, whether that's friends, family, or people you can reciprocate with, or whether that's a paid options network, is super important when you know that you've got to travel. It's about thinking beyond your co-parent and beyond what's always happened before. Going back to the co-parent relationship, you need to keep your co-parent in the loop, even when you've arranged cover, because you're putting your children with other people. So, irrespective of whether, you know, you're on shift as the co-parent and you've made your alternative arrangements, it's always better to over-communicate and tell them, even if it's a relative covering, it affects them. And handovers may happen from somebody else's house or at different times. So it's important to keep everybody in the loop. Practical details help too. So who's looking after the children, who's going to be the point of contact, where all the numbers are, what the handover arrangements look like, what's going to work while you're away, and what's going to happen whilst you're away is kind of really key. So making sure, as far as possible, if you've got things written down or in apps or notes apps that you can just schedule on and send to people and share with people, that makes it a whole bunch easier. So getting that default routine into place and getting the default numbers, contact numbers, and arrangements in place and sharing that with your wider network is important. It's also important to keep people updated when you're away on the trip. So if things change, mid-trip, a delayed flight, an extended stay, then letting people know as soon as possible. It sounds really obvious, but sometimes we get really caught up in work and it can be hard to remember all the different moving, spinning plates, particularly if you're the parent who hasn't been used to looking after the children on a regular or full-time basis. You might have been in the habit where you just know you don't have to worry, you can walk out the door, get on that flight, and know that the other parent is looking after the kids. You can stay focused on work, you don't have to re-engage until you're kind of on the journey home. When you've become a co-parent and you don't have that default option, that changes. And so getting into the mindset of having that always on, always being aware that you're still the parent, even if you're not there, that's an important mental change and it shifts the mental load for you as well. So I think some of the key things are ask, don't announce, give dates, make it clear it's fine to say no, and know that if your co-parent says no, you're responsible for finding alternatives. It's always good when you're communicating these new areas to keep things factual and as business-like as you can. And just in the same way you wouldn't assume a friend or a parent was going to just pick up slack. You'd always ask them. It's the same with your co-parent. Offer some flexibility back. And it's always good to pay it forward first. So if you can be more flexible before anyone else has been flexible with you, and if you can continue to be flexible, even if the other person is more rigid and structured and less flexible, that will only benefit your children. Reciprocity is important, but if you the other parent isn't going to reciprocate, then you can set the example and you can set the tone for how you want things to work for the kids. And it makes things a lot more sustainable. If travel requests keep becoming a flashpoint, go back to the parenting plan. Sit down when there isn't a travel arrangement to be made and go through what this needs to look like in practice in the abstract first. It's always much easier to get agreements in the abstract rather than when there's something very burning and very pressing happening because that brings its own kind of pressure. If you can, support your kids by keeping as much of their routine as possible while you're away. So who's ever in charge, try and get them to stick to the normal routines and stay connected without hovering. So a good night call agreed in advance so it doesn't cut across anyone else's time. Being more flexible with how often you speak to the kids and being led by what they want rather than what you feel you want is always a good way of looking at things. If the kids find it easier not to talk to you when you're away because it stirs up feelings of missing you, then maybe you take that tough decision not to be in touch quite so much so that they aren't quite so bothered. So think about it from that perspective. I think a closing reflection from me on this is co-parenting well isn't easy. And it's not easy when one of you has to travel for work, but it is about how you plan and communicate. And if you can get the planning and communication right, then being away for work doesn't have to be an issue and it doesn't have to disrupt your co-parenting relationship. That's all we've got time for today. Don't forget, for separation and co-parenting support, you can visit amicable.co.uk where you can explore our resources or book a free advice consultation. You can find me on Instagram and LinkedIn, and you can hear about new podcast episodes by subscribing for updates and visiting thedivorsepodcast.com or find us on your favourite listening platform. We'd love to know how we can help you further. So share questions on divorce or separation and co-parenting with us at hello at amicable.co.uk. You can also join our subscription platform, amicable space, where you'll find our community forum, a safe place to ask anything as you go through separation and co-parenting. Members get access to our monthly QA webinars with amicable Divorce Specialists, where you can ask your questions in real time. The link to sign up is in this episode description. I hope that was interesting. I hope it was useful. Thanks everyone for listening.
